As I type this blog entry I am en route to Tokyo, Japan and in the next 24 hours reach my destination, Laos. As the plane took off this morning from Chicago it finally hit me, I’m going. I’m leaving my family and loved ones for a whole year. I won’t be home to greet my mom as she comes home from work and starts nagging about how messy the house is. I’m really going and a part of me feels guilty for leaving my mom behind with all the chores and responsibilities. And now I’m filled with fear. There’s this heavy feeling in my stomach and this voice screaming, what did you do? What did you decide to get yourself into? You might not make it through this year. This voice is also saying it would have just been easier if you had stayed home and just went on with work and chores. Now I’m crying and filled with mixed emotions.
I feel guilty leaving my mom behind with all those dirty dishes to wash and laundry to do by herself but a part of me knows I’m not growing from saying within my comfort zone. I know I will not be fully happy.
I feel scared all the horror stories my relatives told me will come true. I feel scared I won’t be able to take the weather in Laos.
BUT then I remind myself that I’m older and wiser now. I’m taking a deep breathe and remembering my mantra and will focus instead on all the things I look forward to in Laos:
-I am so looking forward to eating all the tropical fruits in Laos. I love jackfruit, lychee, and loghan. I eat these fruits from cans in the US and can’t wait to eat the fresh ones. Not to mention fresh coconut juice and meat!
-I am looking forward to seeing my relatives. I’ve never ever met my dad’s family before and now I finally will.
-I look forward to traveling to the northern parts of Laos and retracing Hmoob keev kwj.
-I look forward to the New Year both the Lao and the Hmong one.
-I look forward to NOT seeing a McDonalds. I am tired of the processed foods we eat in the US and I can’t wait to find out about Lao food.
-I look forward to developing some experience in teaching English. I’m going to be teaching at the University in my town and though I have some teaching experience, I’ve never done purely academic teaching before.
-I look forward to meeting the women of VivNcuag, the sisterhood project. They are amazing and it will be such a job to get to know them.
-I look forward to working in a team with Jesse and Micheal, the other two Fulbright ETAs going with me to Savannakhet. I feel like I’ve finally reached that moment in my life where I am who I want to be and no longer ashamed or insecure about my abilities or values. I can’t wait to see what we will accomplish this year and I can’t wait to learn from you two.
-Lastly, I look forward to having another conversation with my parents and relatives about Teb Chaws Nplog, the Laos that I now know. I really hope to enlighten them through my journey and give them a new perspective about Laos.